For the umpteenth time in, I don't know, a week, I found myself at Lowes with Ann and the kid. The weather's getting warm--it's currently 75 degrees--so Ann wanted to buy and plant some rose bushes. And while our poor checkout experience was worthy of a blog entry in and of itself, I'd rather make talk about something else.
But before I begin, I want to say that I'm not a PETA freak. I eat meat and to a lot of other things they may not like. So once you read this, let's not skirt the issue by telling me I'm a carnivore--that's completely irrelevant.
At any rate...
An Open Letter to Those Who Leave Their Pets in Cars on Hot Days
Okay, listen up, you diphthong. You are miserable fuck that shouldn't even own a dog. You obviously don't know enough about them to take care of them properly.
Case in point: dogs can't sweat, you unforgiving asshole. That's why they pant--they don't have much of a choice when it comes to cooling down. They are also covered in fur which probably makes them wish they could sweat since their fuckhead of a master left them to FUCKING DIE OF HEAT EXHAUSTION IN A MERCEDES-BENZ M-CLASS WHILE WAITING FOR THEM TO BUY A FUCKING BAG OF TURF BUILDER AT GODDAMN LOWES. Well, at least they'll suffer in luxury.
There's no doubt about it: you are a fucking moron. And before you say, "But I left a window open for them," that does not provide adequate ventilation. For shits and giggles, why don't you wrap youself in duct tape and sit in that car for, I don't know, 5 minutes--without water or better yet, your venti Frapuccino from Starbucks? How well will you fare, Biff Macho or Soccer Mom Suzie? And here's a thought: ever see a dog wagging its tail while they are inside a hot car? No? It's probably because they do that WHEN THEY ARE HAPPY. They tend to droll and get a bit skittish when their insides are being cooked like a piece of Sizzlean. Drive around with the heat on all the way in the middle of summer and you'll only begin to scratch the surface on what your dog feels like trapped in that car.
I just don't understand the reasoning behind this. If you needed to take them somewhere, do what you had to to first and then take them, for shit's sake. But no, for the sake of convenience, you'd rather let them sit in a parked car in the middle of FUCKING SUMMER where temperatures can GET AS HIGH AS 120 DEGREES in as little as 15 MINUTES on a hot day. There's just no excuse for this and absolutely no defense. Complete assholes, the whole lot of you.
So to whoever does this--you know who you are--I ask that you please not bring any children into this world. They don't have a snowball's chance with an idiot like you as their parent.
If you do have kids, I hope you can explain to they why their best friend Buttons had to do to Doggie Heaven so soon. Have that explanation handy, sparky. You'll need it sooner than you think. And when that dog gets to Heaven, I hope they give them a fire hydrant with your picture on it so they can take one of those long pisses on you for all eternity.
And when you get to Hell, I hope they lock you in a car--with the heat on and windows up. Stupid fucker.