Don't Do It!

Like anybody else, I get tired of everything I hear on the radio and need a change once and a while. So every now and then I switch over to KFI 640 for some "stimulating talk radio" as they call it. While I enjoy Bill Handel tremendously, John and Ken kind of work my nerves but in an amusing way.

At any rate, I heard a promo on their show for a free 3-day, 2-night stay at a "5-Star Las Vegas Strip resort." Being a Las Vegas veteran, I know that most every place there gave up on the term "hotel and casino" and now refer to themselves as a "resort." It's just the thing to do.

So I got to thinking. A free vacation at a Strip resort? Which will it be? The Mirage? Caesar's Palace? Bellagio? More importantly, what do I have to do?

Curiosity got the best of me. I called the number when I got in my car and waited. And waited.

Finally, it picked up. I was shocked and dismayed to hear the recorded voice of Alan Thicke telling me to wait for the next operator. It wasn't someone who sounded like him; he clearly identified himself as Alan Thicke.

That's when I knew this was some kind of racket. I mean, c'mon. Alan Fucking Thicke from "Thicke of the Night" having any kind of job in 2005? Was this some kind of joke?

Well, sort of. After hearing Alan Thicke's recorded message somewhere near 20 times and being nearly suicidal as a result, I got an operator. That's when I got the bad news.

This isn't for an actual big-name Las Vegas resort. It's for a goddamn timeshare called Soleil and in order to "qualify" for your stay, you have to attend some seminar and give them a credit card number. I said yes to the seminar but told them I didn't have a credit card. Yes, I lied and you would, too.

Once they got all my information they told me they'd send a packet with everything I needed to know. Almost 4 months later I still haven't gotten anything.

I suppose it's just as well. Fuck you, Alan Thicke.